I have decided to start writing here again in the hope of helping my severe depression.
I’m going to pick a subject and just waffle about that.
Today’s subject will be : Depression.
I’ve been struggling for a month now. Feeling very down,finding it hard to get out of bed. There have been a few changes in the household most important of all is No 3 graduating from high school. It was a very emotional day and really took it out of me. We are all very proud of her. She is on holidays now but her final HSC exams start in a couple of weeks.
I have become very intrigued with death and its customs lately after finding a very interesting YouTube channel called “Ask a mortician ” I ordered her book and read it the same day it arrived. I know suicide ideation is part of my depression but I’m trying to look at it as a learning experience.I’ve also been learning about assisted suicide. ( not legal or available in Australia)
I’ve been watching a lot of documentaries on these subjects and have found them very interesting.
I’ve also been watching the tv series “Call the Midwife” which I’m finding both enjoyable and heartrendering. Most episodes leave me in tears which is out of character for me. I think it may actually be good as I think it may be acting at a kind of pressure valve. I feel wrung out after watching it but I think it’s good for me to be able to cry as I rarely cry.
I don’t think there are any options available to me at present,I’m on the largest amount of my two anti depressant meds that I can take and going to see my psychologist is not financially viable at present.
I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and its so damned hard to deal with it. Putting on a happy face gets harder and harder. I don’t want to upset the girls as they have their own things to deal with at the moment. I know leaving them is not an option but there are days when I long for the silence and the thought of no more pain,either mental or physical seems like a great idea. I hope that by the time I have really had enough pain,there will be legal options.
I’m opening this blog up again as I have a rather urgent need to write.
There are a lot of things I’m dealing with at the moment and I need a safe place to get my feelings out.
I have had a call back from the breast screen place. I had a feeling I would but it doesn’t make it any easier. I’m now almost the same age my mum was when she died from breast cancer. She was dxed in the July and passed away the following February.
To be honest I’m a mess. I’m trying to hold it together but not doing very well. I have decided not to tell the girls until I know anything for certain.
I had a funeral to go to this week. A gorgeous lady I went to school with,the same age as me had passed away suddenly. Then I got a phone call from my gp saying I needed to make an appointment ASAP and of course my gp only works on Thursdays the day the funeral was on. I was very upset about not being able to go to the funeral as I really wanted to go but also to catch up with some friends from schools,one of whom had flown down from Queensland.
I walked into the surgery and she tells me there was a positive test on my bowel tests. I was stunned to say the least. I broke down and cried. Something I try very hard not to do.I told her about the breast cancer results and the funeral and she knows my brother has prostate cancer.
She encouraged me to have a good cry and let it all out. She said it is pretty common for people to break down at the drs as often it’s the only safe,anonymous place they can do it.
So I need a colonoscopy to check for bowel cancer. Oh yay.
I go to the breast clinic on Thursday. Seems it will be a long visit.
I came home to find out another friend has breast cancer for the third time.
It just seems like cancer is all around me.
I want to go and sit in the corner and rock and not have to talk to anyone.
Yesterday was a difficult day. Miss Lizzie and I attended a funeral.
The mother of one of her friends had tragically passed away.
It was an eye opener for both of us. Miss Lizzie cried from start to finish.
Me….I sobbed……I tried to quell the tears but I couldn’t. About 20 minutes in,I gave up and just let the tears flow.
To me it was so real. A mother taken before her time.
A grieving daughter left behind. So many reminders,so many things the same.
The service was lovely,filled with wonderful memories and music. I so wish my mothers funeral had been more like that. I barely remember any of it but I know it was sterile and cold and my only concern was the flowers,on top of the coffin,that were the wrong colour.
I was so proud of my girl,how she supported her friends,held them close,listened and cried with them.
After the service as we were walking to the car,Miss Lizzie asked me to stop and she hugged me hard,telling me how much she loved me and how she never wanted me to die like that and that she wanted me to know how very much she does love me.
I have often had doubts about my reason for being on this earth but now I don’t. I now know my job is to guide and support these precious girls. I hope I don’t have to leave them early as my mother did.