18th October 2017 

Things here have been a bit crazy,involving lots of driving to and from school,exams,a large spider ( in the car on the way to said exams) that when squished spewed forth the most amazing radio active neon green liquid. 

The most interesting thing however is that I had been taking some “herbal” oil for my pain. I had been on it for about 2 months. It isn’t supposed to have any side effects but me being me,had side effects and my side effects were making my depression worse. I stopped taking it and within 2 days I felt a great weight lifted off me and I felt back to my usual self. It only helped a little with my pain so there isn’t any problem in stopping taking it. 

I’m a bit disappointed that the oil didn’t help as for some people it is a miracle aide. Back to the drawing board. 

12th October 2017 

I went to see my gp today. She happily sent off a request for 3 months worth of my pain patches,asked me all sorts of questions,took my blood pressure and wrote me a new referral for my psychologist. Sadly there are no free visits to be had. I rang and asked the fees and there is still a $70 gap for me to pay. Which at the moment,can’t be done so I will keep on knitting and writing here. 

I came home feeling wrung out so today has been knitting washcloths and watching inane videos. My mind can’t comprehend much. I feel very flat,I so hoped that she could offer a solution. 

Bugga. 

11th October 2017

Today is another day. 

Yesterday was dreadful. I spent the day chewing on painkillers, mindlessly knitting cotton washcloths and watching DVDs. 

Today was an interesting day with one of my girls on tv twice and also an interview on the net. All pretty exciting stuff. She has had a huge day and has gone to bed. I’m so proud of her for doing something she believes in and making a stand. 

I spent part of today looking through patterns as I want to knit something with cables in it. I found two lovely patterns so  I printed up them up and ordered some wool. 

Emotionally I’m still pretty flat and my pain is a tiny bit better. I see my gp tomorrow so maybe I can get some help. Another hot day and I put the air con on. Neither No 3 or I like the heat so it was a welcome respite. 

10th October 2017

I’m struggling badly today. I had a rotten night,not going to bed until 2am. I had asked No 3 to wake me before she left today and she did,with a lovely cuppa   I couldn’t get out of bed so I slept til about noon. 

So my plans for sewing have gone to pot again,I’m in a lot of pain today and I just want to crawl into a hole and die. I’m so sick of being tired all the bloody time,sick of being in pain,sick of being depressed. 

I don’t want to be here anymore. 

9th October 2017 

Today has been a warm,sultry day full of the promise of rain,which lasted about 20 mins,but it did smell divine. 

The heat is knocking me about already. I don’t do heat well at all. Must be my British blood. 

I tried setting my alarm and getting up early,didn’t happen. It’s not easy when you go to bed well after midnight. I had plans for today but only two of them came to pass. I had a shower and went into town to get my scripts. I took No 3 with me as she needed a break from studying. We had a lovely cold drink and a chat. 

I started knitting another chemo hat but the cotton I bought is rather rough and well,awful. I decided to use it for washcloths instead. I need some 10ply soft cotton or cotton/bamboo blend that doesn’t cost the earth. I’m working on a baby blanket for the local women’s refuge but it’s too damned hot to knit it at the moment. I’m about 3/4 done so it’s gets very hot sitting on your lap especially  as its 10ply. 

I want to start work on a quilt but it can be a bit of a drama getting to use the kitchen table. I’ll see if I can sneak some time in tomorrow. 

Emotionally I’m a mess. Exhausted and depressed,not a good combo. I keep thinking about what it will be like when all the girls are at uni and I’m here alone. I will miss them terribly. 

My knees were not happy today,probably the air pressure from the oncoming storms. All my joints are throbbing. 

6th October 2017

Today has been a tough day. I didn’t get to bed until 3am and hence felt very out of sorts today. The elephant is back sitting on my chest,making breathing tough. 

I feel very down and out of place. My head is thumping. 

I feel old. I have hit that age where people no longer see you when you go out. I’m invisible. 

I look at my girls and remember back I was thin and pretty with boundless energy. I wonder,is that how my mother felt? Was that the reason for me being evicted out of the house when I was only 18 while my brother was allowed to stay until he was 27?

Was I a threat? Did I remind her of days gone past? I wouldn’t be surprised. 

So now I’m fat and old and grey. I have very little enthusiasm for anything. I fake it a lot of the time,smiling and joking to the girls so they don’t see the depths of my despair. I would like to crawl into whole and never get out. 

I’m missing No 2 terribly. She is having a ball at camp and I’ve only got a few text messages from her. We have been together constantly over the last year and I miss her. 

I hope sleep is not so elusive tonight. I hate insomnia. 

4th October 2017

It’s been a busy few days since I last wrote. 

I took the girls shopping on Saturday while their dad went and gave blood. We bought a few things and had a lovely morning tea. I went to the wool shop and bought some 10ply cotton to make some more chemo hats. We went to Spotlight and I got some fabric to make No 3 her quilt. White and 3 shades of blue. 

Monday No 2’s boy friend came for the day and we went to the lake for a picnic. It was lovely. However I had a massive anxiety attack in the afternoon. NO 2 was going on a camp on Monday and I had to get her to Blacktown station by 10am. I also had to drop No 3 at school for a HSC revision class. I was very worried that I wouldn’t get her there in time. I left with plenty of time and. Of course we ended up on the wrong side of the train station. We did finally find the correct side and thankfully the bus was running a little late. She went off happily and I had a little cry as I walked away.  I went to the local shops for a cuppa and some shopping. I then had to go back and pick up No 3 from school. 

It was a HUGE day for me with over 4 hours of driving and about 2 hours of walking. Needless to say I’m very sore and just exhausted today. 

I did enjoy being busy and keeping my mind occupied. I did not enjoy the anxiety attack at all. I slept until about midday and woke up feeling very stiff. NO 3 has been busy studying. I have been watching some DVDs and knitting a baby blanket for the local women’s shelter. These 2 things keep my mind and my hands busy. 

29th September 2017. 

I have decided to start writing here again in the hope of helping my severe depression. 

I’m going to pick a subject and just waffle about that. 

Today’s subject will be : Depression. 

I’ve been struggling for a month now. Feeling very down,finding it hard to get out of bed. There have been a few changes in the household most important of all is No 3 graduating from high school. It was a very emotional day and really took it out of me. We are all very proud of her. She is on holidays now but her final HSC exams start in a couple of weeks. 
I have become very intrigued with death and its customs lately after finding a very interesting YouTube channel called “Ask a mortician ” I ordered her book and read it the same day it arrived. I know suicide ideation is part of my depression but I’m trying to look at it as a learning experience.I’ve also been learning about assisted suicide. ( not legal or available in Australia)

I’ve been watching a lot of documentaries on these subjects and have found them very interesting. 

I’ve also been watching the tv series “Call the Midwife” which I’m finding both enjoyable and heartrendering. Most episodes leave me in tears which is out of character for me. I think it may actually be good as I think it may be acting at a kind of pressure valve. I feel wrung out after watching it but I think it’s good for me to be able to cry as I rarely cry. 

I don’t think there are any options available to me at present,I’m on the largest amount of my two anti depressant meds that I can take and going to see my psychologist is not financially viable at present. 

I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and its so damned hard to deal with it. Putting on a happy face gets harder and harder. I don’t want to upset the girls as they have their own things to deal with at the moment. I know leaving them is not an option but there are days when I long for the silence and the thought of no more pain,either mental or physical seems like a great idea. I hope that by the time I have really had enough pain,there will be legal options. 

31st July,2016. 

I wish I had something great to write about. Something inspiring but alas,I don’t. 

Depression is my constant companion. I no longer want to be here. I’m sick of faking it. I watch DVDs without really seeing them. I knit without paying attention. This is no life. Day after day plods on. There is nothing to look forward to. 

I see the girls get excited about things and I often wonder if I was ever like that. There is no excitement in my life. 

I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. I’m stuck,in a hole that I really don’t want to get out of. 

I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake. 

Depression

Depression. It is me,it lives in me and through me. 

I often feel like that is all I am. 

I have many things to do but I can’t muster up enough energy and enthusiasm to do them. 

I set my alarm most mornings and then turn it off again after yet another dreadful night. 

Then I wake again hours later,I’m cross because I went back to sleep again. 

I have no enthusiam for anything. I want to,I really do but the black dog seems to swallow me up. 

Along with the fibro,life is very hard. I hurt all over. The soles of my feet are especially painful at the moment,my fingers are swollen, my ongoing headache is still ongoing……2 years and 6 months and the backain that is ever present.  Some days i want to bang my head against a brick wall. 

I honestly don’t know how to keep going. I don’t know if I want to. 

I know the girls need me and I know how devastated I was to lose my own mother when I was 21. But it is so hard to keep on going every bloody day. 

I want to crawl into a hole and stay there.