I have decided to start writing here again in the hope of helping my severe depression.
I’m going to pick a subject and just waffle about that.
Today’s subject will be : Depression.
I’ve been struggling for a month now. Feeling very down,finding it hard to get out of bed. There have been a few changes in the household most important of all is No 3 graduating from high school. It was a very emotional day and really took it out of me. We are all very proud of her. She is on holidays now but her final HSC exams start in a couple of weeks.
I have become very intrigued with death and its customs lately after finding a very interesting YouTube channel called “Ask a mortician ” I ordered her book and read it the same day it arrived. I know suicide ideation is part of my depression but I’m trying to look at it as a learning experience.I’ve also been learning about assisted suicide. ( not legal or available in Australia)
I’ve been watching a lot of documentaries on these subjects and have found them very interesting.
I’ve also been watching the tv series “Call the Midwife” which I’m finding both enjoyable and heartrendering. Most episodes leave me in tears which is out of character for me. I think it may actually be good as I think it may be acting at a kind of pressure valve. I feel wrung out after watching it but I think it’s good for me to be able to cry as I rarely cry.
I don’t think there are any options available to me at present,I’m on the largest amount of my two anti depressant meds that I can take and going to see my psychologist is not financially viable at present.
I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and its so damned hard to deal with it. Putting on a happy face gets harder and harder. I don’t want to upset the girls as they have their own things to deal with at the moment. I know leaving them is not an option but there are days when I long for the silence and the thought of no more pain,either mental or physical seems like a great idea. I hope that by the time I have really had enough pain,there will be legal options.
I wish I had something great to write about. Something inspiring but alas,I don’t.
Depression is my constant companion. I no longer want to be here. I’m sick of faking it. I watch DVDs without really seeing them. I knit without paying attention. This is no life. Day after day plods on. There is nothing to look forward to.
I see the girls get excited about things and I often wonder if I was ever like that. There is no excitement in my life.
I honestly don’t know what to do anymore. I’m stuck,in a hole that I really don’t want to get out of.
I wish I could just go to sleep and never wake.
Depression. It is me,it lives in me and through me.
I often feel like that is all I am.
I have many things to do but I can’t muster up enough energy and enthusiasm to do them.
I set my alarm most mornings and then turn it off again after yet another dreadful night.
Then I wake again hours later,I’m cross because I went back to sleep again.
I have no enthusiam for anything. I want to,I really do but the black dog seems to swallow me up.
Along with the fibro,life is very hard. I hurt all over. The soles of my feet are especially painful at the moment,my fingers are swollen, my ongoing headache is still ongoing……2 years and 6 months and the backain that is ever present. Some days i want to bang my head against a brick wall.
I honestly don’t know how to keep going. I don’t know if I want to.
I know the girls need me and I know how devastated I was to lose my own mother when I was 21. But it is so hard to keep on going every bloody day.
I want to crawl into a hole and stay there.
I had had a tough time of it the last few days.
My pain levels were up and on the weekend,I moved my hips to put my pants on and something happened. The pain in my right hip and pelvis was through the roof. My walking stick was stolen out of our car in our driveway so I couldn’t use it. I spent a lot of time hanging on to furniture and the walls to get anywhere.
Last night I forgot my meds,hence I didn’t go to sleep til 4am. I needed to be up at 6am to take one of my daughters to school earlier, I realised that wasn’t happening,so I left her a note and went back to bed,resetting my alarm to go to the doctors.
I got up at 10.30am and had a shower. I bent over to get my meds out of their box and bang,my back went again. I was in agony. I rang the surgery to cancel my appt and asked if my dr could write me a script for my pain meds for hubby to pick up this afternoon. She is such a lovely lady.she must have checked my file and worked out what often meds a needed and wrote the necessary scripts.
Hubby picked up the scripts and I slept most of the day away. It’s now late evening and I’m still in a lot of pain. I can’t concentrate to knit or read.
I hate pain with a passion. I would do almost anything to be rid of it.
I’m fed up.
I’m in pain all the bloody time. I have a knee that keeps popping every single time I straighten it. Something weird happened to my left foot when I was stretching it,it felt like an elastic band and was being pulled and it finally broke. I can’t walk properly on that foot which of course has upset my hips. My right shoulder keeps slipping slightly out of joint and that hurts too. But there is nothing wrong with any of my joints. No one will believe me.
The car rego is due and it is hubby’s job. He is being painful about it and of course I had to find a place that would do the inspection BEFORE the rego is due.
It’s very hot and I’m over summer. We had a couple of lovely days last week where we wore jeans and long shirts. It was rather divine!
One of the cats had a really weird day yesterday. She took over my hand bag and got very nasty when you went near her. She is usually odd but even this was out of character for her!
I’m struggling depression-wise. I have chest pains and other weird things going on.
Roll on winter.
The new year is here. I thought I was doing ok but the black dog crept in and had bitten me again.
I just want to crawl into bed and hide but it’s been stinking hot here and I have a house full of kids.
A few days ago I got an awful sore throat,felt like I was swallowing broken glass,not what I need right now.
I’m tired and fed up. Miss Annie is very tuned to my moods so there is no hiding anything from her. I can’t even be bothered knitting which is very unusual for me. I was teaching myself to knit socks but my enthusiasm has waned.
My body is doing lots of nasty things like heart murmurs and odd pains and trembling in my arms again.
I don’t want to be here.
Xmas is over and I need to deal with oldests birthday. It’s tough. So much hoopla for NYE,there is no letting it pass quietly.
My heart is heavy. I miss her.
Xmas was hard,it always is.
I just want to climb into bed and sleep forever.