24th December 2015 

Here we are at Xmas eve. We finished the last of the shopping today,just a couple of things. We decided on next Xmas theme. Black,gold and purple. We got a few black decos at Big W. 

My heart is still heavy. I got a card for my brother,which was nice. But no communication from my oldest. This is the first year since she left that I haven’t been able to contact her to wish her a Merry Xmas and happy birthday. It’s hard. I miss her. I wish I could spend Xmas with my grand children

Xmas is tomorrow. I wish I was excited but I’m not. 

Sigh …….

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22nd December 2015

I am so sad. The kind of sadness that eats away at you inside. 

The pain in my chest is worse. 

I’m trying,really I am. I’m trying to be happy and upbeat for the girls and it’s killing me. Xmas is in a couple of days and I couldn’t care less. I just want to crawl into bed and sleep the days away. 

The pain is overwhelming ,the pressure in my chest is painful. I feel panicy and don’t know what to do with myself. I hate feeling like this. 

I really do. 

20th December 2015

Sigh. Today has been hard. The elephant won’t get off my chest. The pain just sits there,deep inside gnawing away. 

Missing my mum,my daughter,my grand children. I feel empty inside. 

Another stinking hot day. Over 30. The air con went on at 10am. 

I’m glad tomorrow will be about 10 degrees cooler. I’m over the heat. 

I just want to crawl into bed and sleep. Forever. 

19th December 2015.

Here we are again. Just a week til Xmas. I’ll be glad when it’s over.

All the presents are wrapped. I just need to sort the food.

It  has been a stressful week here .  Miss Lizzie received her HSC and ATAR results and they weren’t what she wanted. There were many tears. She upset me so much that I took a sleeping pill very early in the night and went to bed. Hubby and I had a stern talk with her today about being an adult and how with the good parts of bring an adult comes the responsibility. I hope it hit home.

It is dreadfully hot here,over 30C. None of us do well in the heat. Can’t wait for the southerly change due in a few days.

Im still struggling with leg pain. I almost had to pull over in the car due to the pain. I’m not coping well.

Two lovely parcels arrived from some online friends. Lots of goodies for our Doctor Who Xmas and some fabulous treats for me. I cried but they were happy tears.

15th December 2015 

I went to see my gp yesterday. I’m a little better than last visit but still not good. 

She asked what I was doing to help myself. I said I was taking time for myself. Sometimes I shut myself in the bedroom to watch tv. The girls all used to come in to see what was wrong but I reminded them that they all go to their bedrooms without being questioned. That made sense to them. I get overloaded with people being around. Miss Lizzie has finished school and was home for weeks and was driving me mad. Now she has a casual job and has more of a routine. 

I am trying to knit and read and watch my favourite movies. Series 2 of Penny Dreadful arrived today. My Xmas gift to myself   I’m enjoying that. 

Honestly,it’s hard. I’m trying to keep up appearances but it’s difficult. While we were putting up the tree I had to leave and go and cry in the bedroom. Xmas is hard,I miss my mum and my oldest. My doctor wants me to see a psychologist. She has seen me through a couple of Xmas’ and she knows there are large triggers at this time. NYE is also the oldest’s birthday. I loved Xmas up until my mum died. Then it became a painful reminder of what I was missing. I think it may be a good idea. This time is so difficult. 

My pain levels are through the roof ,esp the shoulder I partially dislocated. The pain doesn’t help the depression at all. 
I’m sleeping a little better. 

We put the Xmas tree up on Sunday. The girls and I made some great Doctor Who decorations as we are having a Doctor Who Xmas. The tree looks good,just needs a few little things. 

Everything is such a huge effort. It all feels like TOO much effort. I don’t want to be here. 

9th December 2015

Here I am back again.

Things are getting on top of me. Yesterday was spent with a totally numb right leg which was very painful. 2 lots of painkillers on top of my usual pain patch. Less numbness today but more pain.

Sleep was elusive last night and I was woken early this morning to pull a bit of plastic out of one of the cats eyes. That was fun. I was barely awake but I managed to do it without losing any skin.Calypso seems fine.

I am struggling with depression, I have upped my meds but they are hardly helping. I saw my lovely gp and she wants me to see a psychologist but I can’t see her til February NEXT year. I am not happy about that! I am having chest pains,lots of them. I know it’s stress but that doesn’t make them any less scary.

Im struggling with eating. I am having bad nausea a lot. I can smell dinner being cooked and am looking forward to it but by the time it’s on the plate I can’t put it in my mouth.

Insomnia has also returned. I hate it. I wish I could sleep better.

Im worried about one of my girls as she isn’t well. I don’t want to go into details as it’s her story to tell but as a mum I am concerned.

Miss Lizzie has finished Year 12 and has her first job. Things aren’t going terribly well as they seem to expect her to know how to do things without being told, which I think is very unfair.

I had to get Minerva desexed. She had come onto heat and was yodelling like mad and driving us nuts. She has recovered well.

I have some kind of growth in my ear and need to see a specialist,can’t get in until next April. I need another colonoscopy. It’s over 12 months since the first dud one. I also need another mammogram. Such fun.

Nothing really amazing to report but I feel I need a sounding board. I think I will be blogging a bit more.

25th March 2015

The black dog has returned. I feel so low,I don’t know what to do 

I can barely be bothered to get out of bed. My pain levels have been through the roof. 

I sorted some craft stuff on Saturday and ended up paying for it for 3 days. 

Even though hubby now has a new job and a higher pay rate we haven’t been able to get ahead. I cancelled the cortisone injection in my hip as we couldn’t afford it. We have been hit with so many bills,car and bike registration,the bike needed new tyres and brakes,a new fridge,a new vacuum,a new phone for both of the twins,$160 for a trial for DH with a cpap machine and then we will probably need to buy one. A new tyre for the car. I haven’t paid any of the school fees yet. I need to get the kittens desexed. We have Miss Lizzie’s 18 th birthday coming up then her formal. The tickets for that are expected to be about $120? 

Miss Annie hasn’t been well for ages.  She is tired all the time and often goes to bed at 5pm. She had blood tests done and there is nothing showing. The doctor thinks she may be depressed but I don’t think so. She has her doing a sleep and mood diary. 

Miss Mary had a cyst in her armpit last week. That was fun. A local and much pus and blood. Lots of pain and loss of movement for a few days. She was very brave but it was still nasty. 

Miss Lizzie has her year 12 trials on at the moment. So we rarely see her as she is studying like mad. 

I feel like I am drowning. 

Everything is annoying me. The girls talking,the kittens playing…..every little thing. 

I want to crawl into a hole and stay there.