6th October 2017

Today has been a tough day. I didn’t get to bed until 3am and hence felt very out of sorts today. The elephant is back sitting on my chest,making breathing tough. 

I feel very down and out of place. My head is thumping. 

I feel old. I have hit that age where people no longer see you when you go out. I’m invisible. 

I look at my girls and remember back I was thin and pretty with boundless energy. I wonder,is that how my mother felt? Was that the reason for me being evicted out of the house when I was only 18 while my brother was allowed to stay until he was 27?

Was I a threat? Did I remind her of days gone past? I wouldn’t be surprised. 

So now I’m fat and old and grey. I have very little enthusiasm for anything. I fake it a lot of the time,smiling and joking to the girls so they don’t see the depths of my despair. I would like to crawl into whole and never get out. 

I’m missing No 2 terribly. She is having a ball at camp and I’ve only got a few text messages from her. We have been together constantly over the last year and I miss her. 

I hope sleep is not so elusive tonight. I hate insomnia. 

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