Today has been a tough day. I didn’t get to bed until 3am and hence felt very out of sorts today. The elephant is back sitting on my chest,making breathing tough.
I feel very down and out of place. My head is thumping.
I feel old. I have hit that age where people no longer see you when you go out. I’m invisible.
I look at my girls and remember back I was thin and pretty with boundless energy. I wonder,is that how my mother felt? Was that the reason for me being evicted out of the house when I was only 18 while my brother was allowed to stay until he was 27?
Was I a threat? Did I remind her of days gone past? I wouldn’t be surprised.
So now I’m fat and old and grey. I have very little enthusiasm for anything. I fake it a lot of the time,smiling and joking to the girls so they don’t see the depths of my despair. I would like to crawl into whole and never get out.
I’m missing No 2 terribly. She is having a ball at camp and I’ve only got a few text messages from her. We have been together constantly over the last year and I miss her.
I hope sleep is not so elusive tonight. I hate insomnia.