29th September 2017. 

I have decided to start writing here again in the hope of helping my severe depression. 

I’m going to pick a subject and just waffle about that. 

Today’s subject will be : Depression. 

I’ve been struggling for a month now. Feeling very down,finding it hard to get out of bed. There have been a few changes in the household most important of all is No 3 graduating from high school. It was a very emotional day and really took it out of me. We are all very proud of her. She is on holidays now but her final HSC exams start in a couple of weeks. 
I have become very intrigued with death and its customs lately after finding a very interesting YouTube channel called “Ask a mortician ” I ordered her book and read it the same day it arrived. I know suicide ideation is part of my depression but I’m trying to look at it as a learning experience.I’ve also been learning about assisted suicide. ( not legal or available in Australia)

I’ve been watching a lot of documentaries on these subjects and have found them very interesting. 

I’ve also been watching the tv series “Call the Midwife” which I’m finding both enjoyable and heartrendering. Most episodes leave me in tears which is out of character for me. I think it may actually be good as I think it may be acting at a kind of pressure valve. I feel wrung out after watching it but I think it’s good for me to be able to cry as I rarely cry. 

I don’t think there are any options available to me at present,I’m on the largest amount of my two anti depressant meds that I can take and going to see my psychologist is not financially viable at present. 

I feel like the weight of the world is on my shoulders and its so damned hard to deal with it. Putting on a happy face gets harder and harder. I don’t want to upset the girls as they have their own things to deal with at the moment. I know leaving them is not an option but there are days when I long for the silence and the thought of no more pain,either mental or physical seems like a great idea. I hope that by the time I have really had enough pain,there will be legal options.