15th December 2015 

I went to see my gp yesterday. I’m a little better than last visit but still not good. 

She asked what I was doing to help myself. I said I was taking time for myself. Sometimes I shut myself in the bedroom to watch tv. The girls all used to come in to see what was wrong but I reminded them that they all go to their bedrooms without being questioned. That made sense to them. I get overloaded with people being around. Miss Lizzie has finished school and was home for weeks and was driving me mad. Now she has a casual job and has more of a routine. 

I am trying to knit and read and watch my favourite movies. Series 2 of Penny Dreadful arrived today. My Xmas gift to myself   I’m enjoying that. 

Honestly,it’s hard. I’m trying to keep up appearances but it’s difficult. While we were putting up the tree I had to leave and go and cry in the bedroom. Xmas is hard,I miss my mum and my oldest. My doctor wants me to see a psychologist. She has seen me through a couple of Xmas’ and she knows there are large triggers at this time. NYE is also the oldest’s birthday. I loved Xmas up until my mum died. Then it became a painful reminder of what I was missing. I think it may be a good idea. This time is so difficult. 

My pain levels are through the roof ,esp the shoulder I partially dislocated. The pain doesn’t help the depression at all. 
I’m sleeping a little better. 

We put the Xmas tree up on Sunday. The girls and I made some great Doctor Who decorations as we are having a Doctor Who Xmas. The tree looks good,just needs a few little things. 

Everything is such a huge effort. It all feels like TOO much effort. I don’t want to be here. 

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