29th December 2015 

Xmas is over and I need to deal with oldests birthday. It’s tough. So much hoopla for NYE,there is no letting it pass quietly. 

My heart is heavy. I miss her. 

Xmas was hard,it always is. 

I just want to climb into bed and sleep forever. 

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25th December 2015

It’s now christmas and I’m sitting here with tears pouring down my face  I’m missing my oldest so much and the grand children I should be cuddling. 

I’m so grateful for my wonderful hubby,3 lovely girls,the roof over my head,the presents under the tree but I miss her. I just miss her. 

I’m missing my mum. There is a line in “You’ve Got Mail”. ‘It was christmas and there I was missing my mother so much, I couldn’t breathe ‘ I miss her too. Her silly sense of humour ,her wonderful hugs,her thoughtful presents. 

I miss them both so much I can barely stand it. 

I wish the tears were healing,but they aren’t. They just compound my sadness. 
I’m so,so sad. 

24th December 2015 

Here we are at Xmas eve. We finished the last of the shopping today,just a couple of things. We decided on next Xmas theme. Black,gold and purple. We got a few black decos at Big W. 

My heart is still heavy. I got a card for my brother,which was nice. But no communication from my oldest. This is the first year since she left that I haven’t been able to contact her to wish her a Merry Xmas and happy birthday. It’s hard. I miss her. I wish I could spend Xmas with my grand children

Xmas is tomorrow. I wish I was excited but I’m not. 

Sigh …….

22nd December 2015

I am so sad. The kind of sadness that eats away at you inside. 

The pain in my chest is worse. 

I’m trying,really I am. I’m trying to be happy and upbeat for the girls and it’s killing me. Xmas is in a couple of days and I couldn’t care less. I just want to crawl into bed and sleep the days away. 

The pain is overwhelming ,the pressure in my chest is painful. I feel panicy and don’t know what to do with myself. I hate feeling like this. 

I really do. 

20th December 2015

Sigh. Today has been hard. The elephant won’t get off my chest. The pain just sits there,deep inside gnawing away. 

Missing my mum,my daughter,my grand children. I feel empty inside. 

Another stinking hot day. Over 30. The air con went on at 10am. 

I’m glad tomorrow will be about 10 degrees cooler. I’m over the heat. 

I just want to crawl into bed and sleep. Forever. 

19th December 2015.

Here we are again. Just a week til Xmas. I’ll be glad when it’s over.

All the presents are wrapped. I just need to sort the food.

It  has been a stressful week here .  Miss Lizzie received her HSC and ATAR results and they weren’t what she wanted. There were many tears. She upset me so much that I took a sleeping pill very early in the night and went to bed. Hubby and I had a stern talk with her today about being an adult and how with the good parts of bring an adult comes the responsibility. I hope it hit home.

It is dreadfully hot here,over 30C. None of us do well in the heat. Can’t wait for the southerly change due in a few days.

Im still struggling with leg pain. I almost had to pull over in the car due to the pain. I’m not coping well.

Two lovely parcels arrived from some online friends. Lots of goodies for our Doctor Who Xmas and some fabulous treats for me. I cried but they were happy tears.

15th December 2015 

I went to see my gp yesterday. I’m a little better than last visit but still not good. 

She asked what I was doing to help myself. I said I was taking time for myself. Sometimes I shut myself in the bedroom to watch tv. The girls all used to come in to see what was wrong but I reminded them that they all go to their bedrooms without being questioned. That made sense to them. I get overloaded with people being around. Miss Lizzie has finished school and was home for weeks and was driving me mad. Now she has a casual job and has more of a routine. 

I am trying to knit and read and watch my favourite movies. Series 2 of Penny Dreadful arrived today. My Xmas gift to myself   I’m enjoying that. 

Honestly,it’s hard. I’m trying to keep up appearances but it’s difficult. While we were putting up the tree I had to leave and go and cry in the bedroom. Xmas is hard,I miss my mum and my oldest. My doctor wants me to see a psychologist. She has seen me through a couple of Xmas’ and she knows there are large triggers at this time. NYE is also the oldest’s birthday. I loved Xmas up until my mum died. Then it became a painful reminder of what I was missing. I think it may be a good idea. This time is so difficult. 

My pain levels are through the roof ,esp the shoulder I partially dislocated. The pain doesn’t help the depression at all. 
I’m sleeping a little better. 

We put the Xmas tree up on Sunday. The girls and I made some great Doctor Who decorations as we are having a Doctor Who Xmas. The tree looks good,just needs a few little things. 

Everything is such a huge effort. It all feels like TOO much effort. I don’t want to be here.