The black dog returns

It hit this morning. Hard. It came out of no where I didn’t want to get out of bed. I had plans. I didn’t get there. I want to crawl back into bed and stay there there til it passes. I honestly didn’t think it would hit like this. I thought I would be ok after the cancer scare. I can’t think straight,my mind wanders,it’s foggy. It’s hot here,summer has hit with vengeance even though it’s only spring. I hate living here. I had no idea when we moved that 14 kilometres away would be such a large difference in temperature. Don’t get me started on the damned flies or mozzies. I wish we could move back up the mountains. I really do. The temps here are similar to those we moved to get away from on the Central Coast. I’m sad and depressed and miserable. Sigh……

Friday the 14th

Let me say to start off with,the lump they found is a fibroadenoma which is benign.
Yesterday was stressful but I have to say the staff at Westmead were wonderful.
We arrived and DH dropped me off so he could park the car ( just as well he did,as there were no spaces in either car park so he had to park on the street) I went in and told them I was there. There was another lady in the waiting room knitting which was lovely to see.

I went in and filled out some paperwork. I was very pleased to see that written on the consent forms it was written that you could remove your consent at any time during any procedure.
I had a mammogram and then an ultrasound. The tech doing the ultrasound took a long time and then said ” I’m going to get the doctor” my heart dropped. She then returned with not one but two doctors! They all stood frowning at the screen and chatting amongst themselves. Finally one of the doctors said he wanted to do a biopsy.
So I went back out to the waiting room and waited. I knitted a bit and read a bit. I was finally called back in with lovely doctor called Sue. She was just wonderful and very matter of fact. She tried to aspirate what she thought was a cyst but it was solid. It was a bit uncomfortable so she removed the needle and put in some local( I approved her doing the first try without local) then she went back in to get some cells. They popped it under a microscope and she was thrilled to tell me it was a fibroadenoma. She said they would sent it off for a official test but she was very certain it was a fibroadenoma.
Sue said she would ring me late Monday to confirm her diagnosis. They made an appt for me on Tuesday just incase.
I got dressed and was very relieved to be able to go.
We arrived at 1pm and left about 4.30pm.
I was pretty sore by the end of it all. My shoulder was very sore due to being held above my head while they did all the scans and tests. My hip was sore as I was propped up on a foam cushion and I discovered I had been clenching my teeth during it all.
The staff were all fabulous during the whole thing. Calm,kind and very respectful of your feelings without being mushy.
DH and I went for some tea at maccas and I treated myself to a raspberry cheesecake. The traffic was thick so it was about 6.30pm when we got home.
The girls asked how it all went and they wanted to know what had happened. I said ” well the good news is……I don’t have breast cancer!!!” They all looked a bit stunned and Miss Annie asked if that was what it was for. I said yes. I said we decided not to tell any of you as we didn’t want anyone to worry until we knew for certain and you had your exams. Miss Annie said ” thank you so much for that”.
I showed them the brochure they had given me about fibroadenoma and we talked about what had happened.
I’m so glad it is over. I was very worried. Thanks to all of you who supported me during this. You know who you are. 🙂

Now I just need to have a colonoscopy to check for colon cancer. The next mountain to climb!

Thursday the 13th

Waiting….this is the part I don’t do well.

My bag is packed. Hubby is off filling the car with petrol and going to the bank. He is also getting the girls a treat for afternoon tea ( vanilla slices from a little bakery in Hazelbrook, they are heaven…..I remember them from when I was a gluten eater)

We need to leave in just under 2 hrs. It’s only an hour trip but we don’t know where we are going( I have only been to this hospital once before when visiting a friend) and I HATE to be late with a passion.

I told the girls yesterday and they calmly accepted my explanation of going to see a doctor late in the afternoon in Paramatta. I’ve been told the appointment will take between 2-4 hours so I didn’t want them to worry if we were late.

My bag is packed with some simple washcloth knitting,a magazine with puzzles,a pen,some gf snacks,coins for the car park and my referral.

At this point it’s just waiting,waiting,waiting…….I want to throw up. I just want it to be over and to know just what I’m dealing with.

Wednesday the 13th

Well today the rot set in.
I woke with a dreadful headache pounding away,my heart thumping and my hands shaking.
I gave in and asked DH to come with me. He is making arrangements now. I didn’t want to bother him but my fear has become greater than my concern for his job.
We have decided to tell the girls I am going to see a dr about my fibro. That the appt is late in the day ( about 3pm) and is about an hours drive away ( which is true).
I’m scared sick. I can’t remember being this scared for a very long time. I watched my mum died from breast cancer and it haunts me still.
I hope we get some answers tomorrow. The waiting has driven me mad.

Tuesday the 11th

Sleep was elusive again last night. I often wonder why I even bother going to bed.
I’m sighing a lot and that’s a sure sign I’m depressed.
Hubby bought me a box of chocolates,which is very rare.
My mind is still wandering,I often end up thinking about the oddest things.

I discovered yesterday that my oldest daughter is engaged to be married and that my new granddaughter’s name is Alice. I’ll never get to see my grandchildren ( there is a 7 yr old boy too) this made me very sad.

I’m so tired and sore. Thursday afternoon can’t come soon enough.

Monday the 10th

Last night sleep was very hard to come by. I tossed and turned. I was awake early knowing I had a doctors appointment. I got my ear syringed out again and now it’s finally clear and I can actually hear for the first time in two weeks. Of course there is an infection so I have drops. I left the script at the chemist telling them I would be back in about 20-30 mins. I went and had a coffee and went back 30 mins later. They hadn’t even started on it! They were very apologetic.
I’m still very stressed and feeling like I have an elephant sitting on my chest. I even broke out the wine on Saturday night. Something I rarely do as I’m not supposed to drink with all my meds. I had a couple of glasses and enjoyed them very much.
Time seems to be dragging soooo slowly. I just wish Thursday would hurry up. I’m not sure what to tell the girls as to why I will be late on Thursday. Miss Annie isn’t happy with “it’s just an appointment”. I know they all care but I don’t want to stress them anymore than I need to.
I have so many thoughts swimming around inside my head,it driving me nuts. I can’t think straight and it’s such an effort to do normal things.

Sunday the 9th.

I find myself holding my breath,like I keep forgetting to breathe. Then I sigh,deeply like I’m trying to catch up on oxygen.

I’m exhausted trying to be “normal”. Trying to concentrate on what the girls are saying. Trying to appear interested,making sensible comments. I ache all over. I feel like have I have been beaten up.

Usually I love the weekends with all my family being home but now I’m finding it so hard having to be “up”.

I’m sitting staring off into the distance not really noticing what I’m watching on TV or doing. I’m attempting to knit,thankfully it’s only stocking stitch so it’s pretty hard to stuff that up.

I don’t really want to eat but when I do,I want junk food and we have none in the house. So I wander around looking for food I know we don’t have. Silly eh?
My left ear is still blocked which is driving me nuts. I can’t hear a damned thing out of it.

I’m tired and sad and worried and Thursday can’t come soon enough.

Vague

I keep drifting off…….into nothing.

I keep finding myself staring off into the distance,having lost track of what I was doing or saying.

It took me ages to sort out a knitting problem,a whole A4 size page of mathematical calculations. I finally worked it out but now don’t have the energy to knit.

I feel adrift,like I’m floating on an ocean,no idea where I’m going or what I’m supposed to be doing.

We went to a twilight market last night. It was lovely. Lots of fabulous goodies to buy. We have tea there,DH and the girls had sausages in bread and DH even got a piece of chicken for me. Hubby and I had a coffee each. Miss Lizzy also had popcorn and jelly and a popper. She loves her food.

I got some Xmas pressies and some divine scents soy melts. One is called rainwater. It’s wonderful.

Miss Annie and DH had a band performance this morning. Miss Mary went with them. I was too tired and too sore. They had a great time.

A need to write

I’m opening this blog up again as I have a rather urgent need to write.
There are a lot of things I’m dealing with at the moment and I need a safe place to get my feelings out.
I have had a call back from the breast screen place. I had a feeling I would but it doesn’t make it any easier. I’m now almost the same age my mum was when she died from breast cancer. She was dxed in the July and passed away the following February.
To be honest I’m a mess. I’m trying to hold it together but not doing very well. I have decided not to tell the girls until I know anything for certain.

I had a funeral to go to this week. A gorgeous lady I went to school with,the same age as me had passed away suddenly. Then I got a phone call from my gp saying I needed to make an appointment ASAP and of course my gp only works on Thursdays the day the funeral was on. I was very upset about not being able to go to the funeral as I really wanted to go but also to catch up with some friends from schools,one of whom had flown down from Queensland.

I walked into the surgery and she tells me there was a positive test on my bowel tests. I was stunned to say the least. I broke down and cried. Something I try very hard not to do.I told her about the breast cancer results and the funeral and she knows my brother has prostate cancer.
She encouraged me to have a good cry and let it all out. She said it is pretty common for people to break down at the drs as often it’s the only safe,anonymous place they can do it.

So I need a colonoscopy to check for bowel cancer. Oh yay.
I go to the breast clinic on Thursday. Seems it will be a long visit.

I came home to find out another friend has breast cancer for the third time.

It just seems like cancer is all around me.

I want to go and sit in the corner and rock and not have to talk to anyone.