Tomorrow

Tomorrow is an anniversary.

A painful anniversary. A day where my life started to unwind and go downhill until all I knew came painfully undone.

It’s been 13 years now. While the pain does get easier to deal with,there are still moments where the pain is so great that it takes my breath away.

I wish I could go back to this day 13 years ago and perhaps make different choices,different decisions.

I know in my heart that the outcome would have been the same. The wheels were already set in motion. I stood and watched to see my life come apart.

She was already on a path,a path that would take her away from us,forever.

Life changed from that day,mine fell apart,nothing made sense. Often now,it still doesn’t.

I dreamt about her last night. Saw her sweet smile,her strawberry blonde hair,that one dimple.

I miss you my poss,I miss you.

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Yesterday

Yesterday was a difficult day. Miss Lizzie and I attended a funeral.
The mother of one of her friends had tragically passed away.

It was an eye opener for both of us. Miss Lizzie cried from start to finish.
Me….I sobbed……I tried to quell the tears but I couldn’t. About 20 minutes in,I gave up and just let the tears flow.

To me it was so real. A mother taken before her time.
A grieving daughter left behind. So many reminders,so many things the same.

The service was lovely,filled with wonderful memories and music. I so wish my mothers funeral had been more like that. I barely remember any of it but I know it was sterile and cold and my only concern was the flowers,on top of the coffin,that were the wrong colour.

I was so proud of my girl,how she supported her friends,held them close,listened and cried with them.

After the service as we were walking to the car,Miss Lizzie asked me to stop and she hugged me hard,telling me how much she loved me and how she never wanted me to die like that and that she wanted me to know how very much she does love me.

I have often had doubts about my reason for being on this earth but now I don’t. I now know my job is to guide and support these precious girls. I hope I don’t have to leave them early as my mother did.