31st December 2013

I feel like I am drowning

Totally out of control

Panic rises as the memories come racing through my head.

I almost don’t want to remember as the pain is too great

I see the newborn,the baby,the toddler,the little child

The smiles,the one dimple

The baby soft strawberry blonde hair

I think of all the things I missed

The birthdays,the Christmases,the school performances

Learning to drive,school graduation

The birth of a baby

So many things that I didn’t get to see

My heart is breaking..

Again

I’m scared if I start to cry….I will never stop

Yet my heart feels like it could burst with sadness

This is my life

This is not what I envisioned all those years ago

Not what I expected,not what I hoped for

Sadness pulls me down,threatening to drown me and pull me under

The pull is so strong

Maybe it would be easier to just go down with it.

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