16th November 2013

We woke early yesterday

As we walked out into the early morning sunlight that peeked through the clouds

Off in the distance,a bell bird could be heard.

Some gentle chirping in the trees

So lovely after all the harsh sounds of the cicadas

The clouds were many colours

Snow White,pale blues through to darker blues and even navy

The wind blew and there was the promise of rain

The railway daisies bobbed their yellow heads

What delights in the early morning.

9th November 2013

Last week was hell.

I didn’t know if I would come through it

I spent most of it sleeping and trying to ignore the demons raging in my head

I cried a lot and I rarely cry

I had plans for nearly every day last week and I cancelled them all

Even my doctors appointment.

I was expecting a backlash over the fires but I wasn’t expecting it to be so fierce.

The heaviness is still there but it is a lot better

I feel a bit more hopeful

I talked about birthdays today with Miss Mary and Miss Annie

Just a month til they turn 14. Where does time go?

Dinner decided,cakes chosen.

Life goes on as usual.

The temperatures are over 30C again,it’s draining

I’m looking forward to some cooler days next week

A pic to make you smile

A teacher gave my typewriter mad girl a typewriter.

It filled her with joy

20131109-140411.jpg

7th November 2013

I’m not coping

I had a doctors appt this morning and I couldn’t go

I sent my Dh a text to cancel it and rolled over in bed and went back to sleep

My head throbs

I don’t want to leave the house

I know I’m not good but I don’t know what to do

Upping my meds isn’t doable

I’m scared.

Alone and scared

Dh’s work has an inspection this week so asking him to be at home is impossible

I’m sad

And alone

And scared

My life consists of sleeping and sitting in my chair,either watching tv or on my computer or knitting

I feel like I’m at the bottom of a hole and can’t climb out

There are no ropes and no footholds

No ladder

No way out

So Ill sit here

6th November 2013

Some movies should come with warnings

With large red letters on the cover

Yelling ‘ someone dies of cancer in this movie’

I watched this movie today and I assumed it was a love story

I sobbed myself stupid

Crying for over 3 hours

Missing my mother

Cursing myself for not being there with her enough

For not being there when she died

For not being there

Crying for the life I thought I would have

A life without pain

A normal life

A life without fibromyalgia or depression

No one of my family signed up for this

My husband did not marry this sick,tired woman

He married a bright,bubbly,happy,competent woman

Not me.

My girls do not deserve this sad,tired,old woman for their mother

They deserve so much better

They deserve a mother who can get out of bed and drive them to the station every day without fear of being late for school

They deserve a mother who has energy to do things with them

I don’t know what I did to deserve this.

I hate my life now

I hate it.

5th November 2013

The alarm sounds

My brain tries to recognise it

The constant noise

Over and over again

Finally my brain reaches into its depths

And it realises what the wretched noise is

I turn it off

Groan at the thought of getting up

Roll over and hope sleep will take me away again

The black dog is alive and living within me

I’m barely functioning

Only doing the bare minimum

i have to ring the bank

My heart fills with fear

I sit with the phone in my hand

Heart racing

I must ring,my card is out of date

I dial the numbers

I hear a computer voice

I press the buttons

“Please wait,your call is important to us”

Do they know how excruciating this is for me?

To sit here with the phone,waiting,waiting

All I want to do is run away

“Please wait,your call is important to us”

Answer the damn phone then!!!!!

Finally,a lady answers

She is lovely and couldn’t be more helpful

It’s over.

15 long minutes of stress

My heart still races,

My hands shake

But I did it.

Tomorrow I have to make 2 more

Oh hell.

3rd November 2013

I finished 2 little cardigans for a friends grandson.

Here is the first one. It is really a lovely dark blue. Ravelry link

20131103-182135.jpg

Here is the second. The colour is really a lovely lime green. Ravelry link

20131103-182208.jpg

20131103-182454.jpg
The sweet little buttons I got from the wool shop in Blackheath

20131103-182537.jpg
I really enjoyed making these and the wool I used was just gorgeous Debbie Bliss Rialto 4ply and machine washable for the new mum
I love knitting little baby things,they are so sweet and knit up so quickly

Now if only the new mum will give me an address to mail them to!