19th January 2016

I’m fed up. 

I’m in pain all the bloody time. I have a knee that keeps popping every single time I straighten it. Something weird happened to my left foot when I was stretching it,it felt like an elastic band and was being pulled and it finally broke. I can’t walk properly on that foot which of course has upset my hips. My right shoulder keeps slipping slightly out of joint and that hurts too. But there is nothing wrong with any of my joints. No one will believe me.

 The car rego is due and it is hubby’s job. He is being painful about it and of course I had to find a place that would do the inspection BEFORE the rego is due. 

It’s very hot and I’m over summer. We had a couple of lovely days last week where we wore jeans and long shirts. It was rather divine!

One of the cats had a really weird day yesterday. She took over my hand bag and got very nasty when you went near her. She is usually odd but even this was out of character for her!

I’m struggling depression-wise. I have chest pains and other weird things going on. 

Roll on winter. 

14th January 2016

The new year is here. I thought I was doing ok but the black dog crept in and had bitten me again. 

I just want to crawl into bed and hide but it’s been stinking hot here and I have a house full of kids. 

A few days ago I got an awful sore throat,felt like I was swallowing broken glass,not what I need right now. 

I’m tired and fed up. Miss Annie is very tuned to my moods so there is no hiding anything from her. I can’t even be bothered knitting which is very unusual for me. I was teaching myself to knit socks but my enthusiasm has waned. 

My body is doing lots of nasty things like heart murmurs and odd pains and trembling in my arms again. 

I don’t want to be here. 

25th December 2015

It’s now christmas and I’m sitting here with tears pouring down my face  I’m missing my oldest so much and the grand children I should be cuddling. 

I’m so grateful for my wonderful hubby,3 lovely girls,the roof over my head,the presents under the tree but I miss her. I just miss her. 

I’m missing my mum. There is a line in “You’ve Got Mail”. ‘It was christmas and there I was missing my mother so much, I couldn’t breathe ‘ I miss her too. Her silly sense of humour ,her wonderful hugs,her thoughtful presents. 

I miss them both so much I can barely stand it. 

I wish the tears were healing,but they aren’t. They just compound my sadness. 
I’m so,so sad. 

24th December 2015 

Here we are at Xmas eve. We finished the last of the shopping today,just a couple of things. We decided on next Xmas theme. Black,gold and purple. We got a few black decos at Big W. 

My heart is still heavy. I got a card for my brother,which was nice. But no communication from my oldest. This is the first year since she left that I haven’t been able to contact her to wish her a Merry Xmas and happy birthday. It’s hard. I miss her. I wish I could spend Xmas with my grand children

Xmas is tomorrow. I wish I was excited but I’m not. 

Sigh …….

22nd December 2015

I am so sad. The kind of sadness that eats away at you inside. 

The pain in my chest is worse. 

I’m trying,really I am. I’m trying to be happy and upbeat for the girls and it’s killing me. Xmas is in a couple of days and I couldn’t care less. I just want to crawl into bed and sleep the days away. 

The pain is overwhelming ,the pressure in my chest is painful. I feel panicy and don’t know what to do with myself. I hate feeling like this. 

I really do. 

20th December 2015

Sigh. Today has been hard. The elephant won’t get off my chest. The pain just sits there,deep inside gnawing away. 

Missing my mum,my daughter,my grand children. I feel empty inside. 

Another stinking hot day. Over 30. The air con went on at 10am. 

I’m glad tomorrow will be about 10 degrees cooler. I’m over the heat. 

I just want to crawl into bed and sleep. Forever.