Depression

Depression. It is me,it lives in me and through me. 

I often feel like that is all I am. 

I have many things to do but I can’t muster up enough energy and enthusiasm to do them. 

I set my alarm most mornings and then turn it off again after yet another dreadful night. 

Then I wake again hours later,I’m cross because I went back to sleep again. 

I have no enthusiam for anything. I want to,I really do but the black dog seems to swallow me up. 

Along with the fibro,life is very hard. I hurt all over. The soles of my feet are especially painful at the moment,my fingers are swollen, my ongoing headache is still ongoing……2 years and 6 months and the backain that is ever present.  Some days i want to bang my head against a brick wall. 

I honestly don’t know how to keep going. I don’t know if I want to. 

I know the girls need me and I know how devastated I was to lose my own mother when I was 21. But it is so hard to keep on going every bloody day. 

I want to crawl into a hole and stay there. 

18th February 2016 

I had had a tough time of it the last few days. 

My pain levels were up and on the weekend,I moved my hips to put my pants on and something happened. The pain in my right hip and pelvis was through the roof. My walking stick was stolen out of our car in our driveway so I couldn’t use it. I spent a lot of time hanging on to furniture and the walls to get anywhere. 

Last night I forgot my meds,hence I didn’t go to sleep til 4am. I needed to be up at 6am to take one of my daughters to school earlier, I realised that wasn’t happening,so I left her a note and went back to bed,resetting my alarm to go to the doctors. 

I got up at 10.30am and had a shower. I bent over to get my meds out of their box and bang,my back went again. I was in agony. I rang the surgery to cancel my appt and asked if my dr could write me a script for my pain meds for hubby to pick up this afternoon. She is such a lovely lady.she must have checked my file and worked out what often meds a needed and wrote the necessary scripts. 

Hubby picked up the scripts and I slept most of the day away. It’s now late evening and I’m still in a lot of pain. I can’t concentrate to knit or read. 

I hate pain with a passion. I would do almost anything to be rid of it. 

19th January 2016

I’m fed up. 

I’m in pain all the bloody time. I have a knee that keeps popping every single time I straighten it. Something weird happened to my left foot when I was stretching it,it felt like an elastic band and was being pulled and it finally broke. I can’t walk properly on that foot which of course has upset my hips. My right shoulder keeps slipping slightly out of joint and that hurts too. But there is nothing wrong with any of my joints. No one will believe me.

 The car rego is due and it is hubby’s job. He is being painful about it and of course I had to find a place that would do the inspection BEFORE the rego is due. 

It’s very hot and I’m over summer. We had a couple of lovely days last week where we wore jeans and long shirts. It was rather divine!

One of the cats had a really weird day yesterday. She took over my hand bag and got very nasty when you went near her. She is usually odd but even this was out of character for her!

I’m struggling depression-wise. I have chest pains and other weird things going on. 

Roll on winter. 

14th January 2016

The new year is here. I thought I was doing ok but the black dog crept in and had bitten me again. 

I just want to crawl into bed and hide but it’s been stinking hot here and I have a house full of kids. 

A few days ago I got an awful sore throat,felt like I was swallowing broken glass,not what I need right now. 

I’m tired and fed up. Miss Annie is very tuned to my moods so there is no hiding anything from her. I can’t even be bothered knitting which is very unusual for me. I was teaching myself to knit socks but my enthusiasm has waned. 

My body is doing lots of nasty things like heart murmurs and odd pains and trembling in my arms again. 

I don’t want to be here. 

25th December 2015

It’s now christmas and I’m sitting here with tears pouring down my face  I’m missing my oldest so much and the grand children I should be cuddling. 

I’m so grateful for my wonderful hubby,3 lovely girls,the roof over my head,the presents under the tree but I miss her. I just miss her. 

I’m missing my mum. There is a line in “You’ve Got Mail”. ‘It was christmas and there I was missing my mother so much, I couldn’t breathe ‘ I miss her too. Her silly sense of humour ,her wonderful hugs,her thoughtful presents. 

I miss them both so much I can barely stand it. 

I wish the tears were healing,but they aren’t. They just compound my sadness. 
I’m so,so sad. 

24th December 2015 

Here we are at Xmas eve. We finished the last of the shopping today,just a couple of things. We decided on next Xmas theme. Black,gold and purple. We got a few black decos at Big W. 

My heart is still heavy. I got a card for my brother,which was nice. But no communication from my oldest. This is the first year since she left that I haven’t been able to contact her to wish her a Merry Xmas and happy birthday. It’s hard. I miss her. I wish I could spend Xmas with my grand children

Xmas is tomorrow. I wish I was excited but I’m not. 

Sigh …….